


What the Hell Happened?

by TheLittleLostTimeLord



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Fic, Hogwarts, also this was written from when i was 12-14 so..., i write the chapters when i wake up in the middle of the night, no seriously it's all crack, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-09
Updated: 2012-12-09
Packaged: 2017-11-20 17:32:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/587948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLittleLostTimeLord/pseuds/TheLittleLostTimeLord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hogwarts is very very different now. Voldemort's co-headmaster and all logic is gone. enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

From the outside the castle looked as it always had, but within chaos had taken control and logic had fled to the hills. Hogwarts had undergone countless changes. They now had Co-headmasters, Dumbledore and Voldemort. Voldemort was also the new Defense against the Dark arts teacher. Bellatrix now taught potions, while Snape had been sentenced to be the guidance counselor.  


The houses had all received new names. Slytherin was now called The House of Totally Awesome Badassery; Awesome Badassery for short. Gryffindor was not The House of Goody Two Shoes Plan Ruiners; Ruiners. Ravenclaw was The House with all the Smartickles; Smartickles. And Hufflepuff had been dubbed The House of Barely Qualified Students; Barely Qualified.  


The owlery was now exclusively referred to as the Tower of Doom, due to Voldemort’s petrifying fear of owls. And the chamber of secrets was now his “Club house of Evil!!!!”.


	2. Bacon, Eggs and Death Threats

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down for breakfast one morning in the Great Hall. The tables were full of mouth watering food and hungry students. They each took some food and placed on their plate, but right as they were about to dig in the new co-headmaster, Voldemort appeared out of seemingly nowhere and yelled.  


“I shall kill you, Potter!”  


Harry sighed. “Really!? Every morning! Can’t I just eat my eggs in peace?”  


“I shall smite you one day!” Voldemort yelled as he ran out of the Great Hall, cloak flowing behind him.


	3. "Fun" with explosions

The students from Barely Qualified and Ruiners filed into the dungeons for their potions lesson, with Bellatrix. The classroom itself was enough to scar most students for life, with the various dead animals hung around the room slowly rotting, and the large case of knives that Bellatrix sharpened regularly.  


The lesson started with Bellatrix casting an unforgivable curse on one of the dead animals, usually a mammal. Then she took a seat and gave her instructions.  


“Make something explode! Most entertaining explosion gets to skip class for the rest of term. The least entertaining will be killed.”  


The students gulped and began to mix, grind and pour rapidly. The first explosion came for Seamus, but at the end of class Neville’s was granted “most entertaining” as it had singed not just his eyebrows off but the four student’s closest to him’s eyebrows as well. A boy named John had only managed to produce a small puff of smoke, and was lead out of the class room and never seen again.


	4. Not Really Defensive Against The Dark Arts

“Get him weasels! Chase him! Capture him!” Voldemort commanded his class of first years.  


“In what way is this defense against the dark arts?!” Harry screamed as her fled the horde of knife wielding eleven year olds, and Draco.  


“You shall ruin some sort of plan at some point and cause many deaths to save those innocent lives we must eliminate you!” Voldemort gave a straight answer for once, before joining in on the chase.  


They rampaged through out the castle as Harry hid in the room of requirement, unfortunately for him Bellatrix was using that room as body storage for all the kills that didn’t quite fit in her class room, and she happened to be in there at the time. And so the lightning scarred boy ran again, until he ended up in the one place Voldemort would never follow The Tower of Doom.  


“Curses upon you whole family Potter!” Voldemort shook his fist in the air.  


“So basically just me?”  


There was a pause. “…Yes.”


	5. Guidance

“Come in potter.” Snape snarled.  


Harry did so and sat down in the guidance office. The he asked. “Why did you call me here?”  


“Look at you life, Potter, you are a genocidal fuckhead waiting to happen; you’re an orphan who suffered child abuse and everything you love dies. I’m here to prevent genocide.”  


“Um, Voldemort commits genocide…”  


“Yes but he’s my boss.”  


“And I sign your paycheck!” Voldemort who was roller skating by called. “Weasels he’s in guidance.”  


Harry ran.


End file.
